Delayed Gratification (a dream deferred?)

did you know that good things come to those who wait ?

but i am literally stalking your linked in. There’s a lot i don’t understand. And even more which i think i am conditioned to think i cant understand. there’s a lot we are not meant to do. i cant tell if society is meant for moving on or not. Bereavement leave-a day. There is a time and space for grief but its not here nor now but its definitely not then. its because they don’t want us to take a break. it often feels as though it would be a detriment to society if we didn’t-whether from a production standpoint or the point of that of social justice. either one deserves grace. you cannot fight nor work on empty. its hard. but this is about delayed gratification. i’m horrible at it. truly truly terrible. (i can be great at change if i so wish but only if i don’t think about it too hard). Whether its with packages or letters or birthdays or future plans or responses from grad schools or with your love coming back together (the person you love) . i have issues with control and trust. not sure if this may sound familiar to any of you. it can be pretty debilitating when it comes to how it affects the ones you love-on how it affects how you love. All i want is to feel protected and secure. to not always have to be strong (i am so strong all of the time). How does one let go of control enough to let that happen? Even when im vulnerable i’m not really. Anyone can still project on to me what they wish. Its not malicious. Its easy to see things that way. But i’ve lost the plot now. I am not good at waiting because its uncertain. I have no control-and even worse i don’t have the trust needed to know that everything can still be okay in the absence of absolute control. If i wait what if its different. what if its not what i want. what if it takes far too long. I often simply want things so desperately. There are probably few things i genuinely need. Is wanting over needing better? Lessons i’m trying to learn and whatnot. What if its good? I have never thought that in this context. it feels like some sort of betrayal. its not what my habits want. my bones and muscles ache from the exertion to think something like that. What if its good? What if the love is able to last because of this time apart? What would that look like. Do i have to wait to find out?