Shampoo and Conditioning

I want it to be about me (selfish) (true). What is better-a selfless lie or a selfish truth? ( i still want you to be speaking to me through the silence)

The year of realizing things. That is how i decided to define the beginning of my 2024. I feel as though the sentiment is always true but sometimes in life you get catalysts for change and reflection. Things that push you from passive into active mode. I of course am constantly experiencing catalysts due to the nature of who i am as well as my big beautiful brain. More capacity to think-more capacity for crisis probably. One of the things i’ve come to realize so far is surrounding frankness. speaking your mind. saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It may come as a shock to all who know me-but i think i may be an upfront person. I think i like it far better than other methods of communication. I am diplomatic and kind when i can be-but overall i have taken to saying the things that i need to say. Speaking to my needs or acknowledging situations that must be acknowledged. It is nice. So of course in coming to this revelation-i had to then wonder what happened to make me so afraid in the first place. I believe i have been conditioned this way. I think i have only existed in a majority of spaces which fostered a lack of personhood-a lack of autonomy, and an aggressive lack of clarity at all times. The only way i understood how to survive was through evasive maneuvers. Through innuendo, through misdirection, through ‘reading between the lines’ (why are the lines even there in the first place if they are not what you are meant to read). This was apparent in my friendships of course-

however i feel it all came to a life altering head with my first real all consuming infatuation in my 17th year. This boy was truly horrible. He permeated all of my decisions. He made or broke my days depending on how he interacted with me. He lied and manipulated for fun. He was never serious expert for when he allowed it-and i never got to know when. He was never present he was never direct. I never got to understand what he wanted from me. If he wanted me at all. I got to understand what made him tick-what would get his attention. Jokes upon jokes-subtle hints and quick retractions. Always implying, never confirming. it was exhausting and terrifying. I never once had the chance to stand on any solid ground of my own making-and if you don’t craft it yourself it feels as though the ground can never truly be solid (but this may be my lack of trust and control issues rearing their head yet again). I thought about him for two years of my life. He was the main focus, and after those two years he was still an odd inconsistent presence in my life. I still have never gotten answers. I think he loved me at one point. How would i ever have known? It makes it hard to trust yourself, others, intuition. Everything is a game. I suppose the only way to counteract that is to start trusting yourself. All i can truly control is saying what i need to say. Continually hard pill to swallow-coming to terms with the idea that i can only control myself. One step down-a lifetime of learning to go. (can you feel anger for how the past actions of others who didnt care for you how they should have impacts how you feel when people truly do care but you feel as though you cannot trust it?) (they say the best revenge is a life well lived. i think the best revenge is none- but i continually struggle with this. but ive lost the plot now)