Moderated Anonymity

If I had a nickel for every piece of media i consumed that was heavily ‘blog’ based, id have at least three nickels. probably more.

Something that all of these do not have in common is their delivery of the subjects inner thoughts. One is a genuine blog-at times open to the masses yet created with no goal for fame or nontertiary. Another not being a blog but more of a consciousness, a journal, a hint of what’s to come. The third being on reflections in a professional sense, observations made under the guise of reporting. I am not sure what delivery methods say about their respective weight or validity. is something more valuable if not made for consumption?

In the form i have chosen here i have a distinct lack of anonymity. Here you have access to so many aspects of my existence. you can see my soul bared in art-in pins, in pseudo-formal resumes. I am fully linked in, signed, sealed, and delivered. You can get here through my various social medias, creating a network that would be hard to extricate myself from. I am not sure who would come across this blog if not someone who knew me in some aspect outside of it.

What does this mean for my expression? for what i am allowed to say? What was the point of its creation. I think its conception may be entirely sperate from its current existence (as is natural for any being that ebbs and flows-after all this is an extension of me). My year has been a fireball of sorts. I have never quite known where the next flame would ignite and lived in fear of that possibility. The embers have calmed. I have calmed. And to put it eloquently-life is so fucking weird. I have been a living telenovela. I am also so much more than i ever wanted to believe i was. I am independent and loved and soft and capable. I am tired and worthy and creative and cool as shit. I have also grown.

I think often and try to acknowledge that which i have done wrong-especially against others. I have not been taught nor conditioned well in my past in the way of respect, love and open communication. I am so much more than an angry depressed kid. I am so much more than a passive aggressive lonely and scared teenager. I am so much more that an insecure unaware afraid freshman in college. I am so much more than a pit of depression and freefall six months ago. I am so much more. I love and i try and i talk. I am aware that because and despite I never lose my sense of self. I am eclectic and magnetic. I am about people (which must include myself).

Is any of this worth more if it is observed? Schrödinger's metamorphosis. If a person grows in a forest and no one is around to see it, does it even make a difference? Maybe bring religion into the mix-the right hand not knowing what the left does or something like that. In looking through my various medias you can find a TikTok where i read a poem i wrote (this video was manual aesthetically zoomed in by me as i did not have the software available to do so. it is horribly done. i love it). A line from that goes as follows

“who am i when I am not what i think you would want from me?”

It clearly demonstrates my chronic roundabout way of thinking. as well as my obsession with perception and observation.

‘i wondered…’ what does this forum do for me? what would it do for others? do i need a reason or am i allowed to just do things? (i am i am i am)

-much love-