On Getting Better

The pain is endless, but so is the joy (if you let it be)

Yet again on the subject of healing (not actually sure if i have a blog post regarding this-but i've had thoughts and musings and that's really all that matters) The idea of getting better can be an endless confusing hellscape. There are so many factors that contribute to overall contentment and well-being. Physical aspects-access to basic needs. There are the social needs, that of community and some intrinsically propelled purpose. You have to drink water-like all the time-and that's a really hard thing for me to swallow. In this day and age we add to the journey with mental health by inserting medication into the mix. I myself am someone who has lacked self discernment and am not trusting just enough to wonder if any effect of medication I take is actually a placebo effect. In reality I know that would not technically be bad considering if I feel something that means it's working. But enough paranoia can really take you out of any positive results. Moral of the story is it's hard enough to take care of oneself, and medication can have a two fold effect of somehow relieving some of that pressure while adding entirely new concerns. I have been toying with the big three of antidepressants for almost a year and a half. I give much weight to environmental factors and their role in the effectiveness of SSRIs and the like. As if, even if they are doing everything right in regards to my chemicals-if my environment is not conducive to that energy I will simply reject it. And as we have established-this year has been a hellscape in and of itself. It's getting better (if i let it). And along with this comes the acceptance of the effort of medication.

It was a quiet build up this past week of coming to the realization that I might be happy. That my heart and soul and mind are the quietest they have been in a good long while. I have been stretching more out of my comfort zone, along with coming to the conclusion that I am pretty great. I am adaptable and kind and considerate and funny. And these new experiences have only been more affirming. I have been reaching out and not thinking twice before doing that-not questioning what I should say. Again of course, the quizzical part of me still stands and questions whether this is another chicken and the egg conversion. Nevertheless there are positive ramifications. More and more I must learn the idea of acceptance not only when times are hard-but when times hold possibility and peace.

All of this boils down to the idea of letting oneself be happy. Experiencing joy. Paying attention to and picking out the pockets of peace in a life. Accepting that you deserve it. In my life I have experienced my fair share of strife and relativity life altering events. I hear from my mother, my friends, my therapist-the idea that I am quite overdue for a break. And yet once admitting and spreading the news of my newfound happiness, I am being encroached upon by the fear of losing that. That it is fake or temporary or a facade. Thinking myself out of my own glee. Which is the common cycle. Thus the opponent to fear is belief. Belief in the idea that this is not something I am taking for no reason. Knowing that this is something I have worked so hard for. The idea of how capable I am. Realizing how much I do for myself and others that I never think to acknowledge because of how long I haven't. Breaking habits is disgustingly unjustly hard. Triggers are the enemy (as they usually are) (however there is probably an argument to be had for not seeing triggers as an enemy and having a healthy mindset towards them) (but I digress-for another time). That is a part of the fear. I have been thinking often of the title of Dali's art piece- “the persistence of memory”. It's quite rude of memory to fight for and against you. In that persistence there is not only the fear and possible triggers in an uncontrolled environment in the world-but also that uncontrollable world in your own mind. My brain puts a bag over my head and shoves me into a van every time I sleep. My dreams are either absurd, disrespectful to my healing-or both. And so yet again we come to acceptance, not only of the possible roadblocks, but accepting that you have built yourself up enough to take what is thrown at you-either through coping techniques or the mindset that even if this takes a second to recover from-you will be okay.

I am not sure I have a nice easy bow to wrap around these thoughts. You are allowed to accept the good along with the bad. Not only are you allowed-it is something you must learn for yourself. You must, you must, you must.

The pain is endless but

So is the joy

So is the joy

So is the joy

-much love-