The Knowing of Not
Written in a liminal space (literally?) ((metaphorically??))
I still can't decide whether I am a person who prefers knowing. Like most things I'm assuming it comes down to that of context and circumstance. Months ago I would've given a firm refrain of knowing being the most evil. That was in relation to my own healing path in a way. But what of knowing in relation to the world at large. Academia-lessons learned through experience. I love collecting experiences. Especially those I wish to return to. I got to return to a place this past week.
“You can't go back to a place because of the love that used to exist there-but can you go back to a place because of the you that existed there?”
In this place I have ledges and streets and buses and space. Wonderful glorious space. One that can just as easily be filled with a peaceful solitude as it can with the good company of others. I am continuing to grow in the face I have for myself. I still knock on wood and I still am terrified from time to time that I won't truly be able to find my place. I never know if it is better to talk to these fears head on or ignore them for the sake of my confidence. Something about doing it scared. I don't understand manifestation. Is it better to focus on the future that you do want and ignore the possible roadblocks and pitfalls? I try to take a come what may philosophy into account. Whenever I blow on a dandelion or wish on an eyelash I never have any specific goal or dream in mind. I trust that the universe-whatever force-will know what i want. What i most need and how i can get there. Hedging all of my bets with preventative measures.
About knowing. Recently I was able to undergo some formal testing for my neurodivergent self-specifically related to adhd. In those tests they give you ones related to various elements of IO (relatively outdated but alas). In the verbal section i scored above average. Bonkers percentile or something like that. And while I am someone who may need to be heavily affirmed in relation to their intelligence-I still can't fully decide if knowing is better. In the non verbal i scored averagely which brings my bs IO composite to a general average. Is that even truly quantifiable? We are all so different-operating in various circles. It seems there is no definitive way to measure intelligence as it all depends on one's context. The idea of objective intelligence feels more boring to me
The idea of confidence in the self brings me to knowing and its relationship with a little anxious attachment. The characteristics of an anxious attachment-i have found-center around faith. The idea that no matter what, through your history or trauma, the anxious thoughts will continue to haunt you. You can't will them away-not even in secure situations. They must be systematically unlearned-new faith placed in the new space. Faith is something it's easy to struggle with in any context-let alone when you throw the complications of a relationship into mix. Whether romantic, platonic, familial or otherwise.
Overall something that is apparent is my love of never coming to conclusions. I suppose that relates. When is it better to reach a conclusion? And at what point does the overwrought conversation become too much of a burden. How do you weigh the costs and benefits for the minutiae of life?
Weird, weird , weird. A little cool too :)
What i can say definitively is no matter which is better-knowing or not-the idea of knowing can easily become addictive and consuming. Food for thought.
