Precedence and Baselines
A Carrie Bradshaw kind of summer
When my hope was more than visible and could be felt within my bones.
It looked very clear in my minds eye. This summer was to be about watching sex in the city in the comfort of a new surrounding space. Free from expectations, baggage, memories. I am surrounded again by those i can connect with. I try and i reach and i create and moreover-i succeed. I was always able to. I create enough memories so that summer and warm nights no longer smell like you. It is still young. I have time yet for such creation.
I wonder what blogging is supposed to be about. if i take a page from Carrie Bradshaw (whom i have not consumed outside of the context of the Carrie diaries) blogging is my own form of therapy and catharsis. I like it-a public journal. if i take it from food recipes it is a way to divulge my greatest triumphs and defeats and how it led me to the best lemon meringue (easy joke-i don’t even read recipe websites). But what of me? On some level this is very much the cry into some void. I’ve always operated within my emotions on a social level to a certain extent. Whether through captions on an ifunny fandom meme, through private snapchat stories, or outfit of the day tiktoks. I think this speaks to the general distance between them and i.
Recently i have started to take to the love that exists in my life. There is some leniecy on the strict aspects of the performance. I like saying what i mean. its still infinitley complicated. And however much faith i posses i know i still don’t do every single thing right. But i think i do a lot of things how im supposed to right now-what i feel i should do and what i learn from that. God if i wasnt making an mistakes or memories what a cold space that would be. What a cold person. I just recently (today) learned that other peoples word is not law. We are actually all just stupid little kids. We don’t actually have any idea. i continually struggle with comparing myself to some nonexistent healing. Some pedestal of intelligence. A strong sense of infallibility. But oh my god most of us are actually just stupid a lot of the time. I think that might be so cool and hilarious. I am disastrously beautifully human. I’m not going to let that taken away through comparison nor stubbornness. I will remain because and despite. In all of the things i’m learning can belong to me-a sense of self ranks among the most vital. For at least then i will always have something valuable in my possession.
There is much good work to do and lovely hard life to live, sometimes you have further to fall and thus more land you have to gain. Remember where you started. I have done ad grown so much. weird weird weird,
