The “Oh-Shit” Factor
SONG OF THE DAY IS 'DEEPER WELL' BY KACEY MUSKGRAVES
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SONG OF THE DAY IS 'DEEPER WELL' BY KACEY MUSKGRAVES -
That act of backsliding and remembering and the bliss of practised ignorance
There is something interesting to be found in the changing of acts (a in reference towards a poem I made while in the air coming home from my study abroad)
“Did you know you can get lost in life?
Fall between the cracks of the couch cushions
found in the changing of acts.
A play-
A dream.
You can imagine a home in the reflection of the plane hull
wondering which way is right,
The Sky or The Seat.
Sit down in the uncomfortable jolting turbulence
of that which you can't leave behind,
while going towards that
which is impossible to pass.
You can only live within it now.
Two lives,
Which will be found?”
That was over a year ago now. In many ways I created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Much of this year was not spent within myself but within the concept of maybe. Some vague idea of an imaginary idealised future. I was stuck imagining my life in the reflection of the plane hull-as though I never left my seat. True to my words it was rather uncomfortable. And yet as with chronic pain-we can easily become accustomed to discomfort at all levels.
The point of this blog post was once rather clear. I had an oh-shit moment at work the other week. Someone came in who too much resembled echos of the past and it felt like i immediately fell into old patterns. It is easy to forget how prone i am to forgiveness at all levels. How much i excuse to answer to the cravings of love and closure. I imagine a person in a certain way in the reflection of a plane hull. But that is always in motion and blurry around the edges. Never something one is able to grasp. That interaction prompted the idea of this ‘oh-shit’ factor. The one that comes when you are presented with something you thought you had moved on from-only to be absolutely punched in the face by triggers and that which is not fully resolved.
It is easy to project and protect (with) a cultivated and practised ignorance. For me this is very much an unconscious and instinctive act. The entire year has been spent working towards myself-especially in the arena of connection with what i feel and how i feel it. It started with a question thrown at my therapist whenever she asked me to describe my emotions.
“Linnea literally what does that mean? I don't understand what you are asking me-what does it mean to feel emotions ??”
The idea of being in tune with one's body-and moreover the idea of even wanting to be-was foreign to me. I have made lots of progress (i know because Linnea told me i have :)) But have still only just breached the surface of what it means to understand myself on that level.
So this was intense for me, and sent me into a mini spiral. Already I have change swirling around me. Moving and packing and sorting and donating (i am a lover of things-getting rid is the hardest thing known to this man). Goodbyeing and preparing. Savouring and being scared. That can take a lot out of a girl. However, while all of these heightened emotions were happening the past week or two-i have now come to the point in change where my body no longer accepts nor acknowledges it. I am a creature of habit and somehow also a creature of change. I find strength in adaptations and accommodations. I love to bring people together and bring joy and connection in the process. Moreover-i am good at it (conquering the fear of acknowledgement of joys and strengths being a bad thing). Thus, when arriving at big changes my body takes to immediate acceptance of my situation (with a few notable exceptions). That rule seems to apply heavily in physical displacements. I adjust quickly to the mindset of being where I am (however I have less control of the mind's tendency to wander towards the past). With the idea of separation from my body's experiences comes the lack of acceptance and attention towards the feelings which spur my ruminatory mind. This also comes with its share of impulsivity.
And so there is bliss to be found in the lack of connection with one's body. That is-until it catches up with you. When it comes to love and to joy and to the end of the grief cycle. All of these are so hard to accomplish and appreciate without the others. It's not a full life. Even the idea of the exciting and the mundane-another hyperfixation of mine. I must come to accept areas of life without excessive romanticization. Not everything must be a poised, perfect, aesthetic affair. I must allow myself to not be exciting and interesting. It's exhausting. It takes me away from myself. It sorts life into manageable goal oriented sections. As if I have a perfect pinterest photo there's the affirmation of a life well lived. (full demonization of this lifestyle would also be useless. I can accept the joy I find in aestheticism-after all, I am an artist. That's kind of my whole point.) I could get into a much more confusing chicken and egg conversation about this all but I will save it for my sake as well as yours. There is so much to learn and to decide.
So-you may be wondering-what is the point of this discussion. Well, my dear reader. This is literally primarily for me. Make your own conclusions i suppose. Go out and remember things can belong to you. Take things back that others have stolen. Try to stray away from the act of performance in times where you needn't have to. Understand what kind of friends you want to have-it may be more valuable than figuring out what you would want in a partner. Live within your means. Experiment with life whenever you can. Be scared. Savour it. Spell more things with unnecessary u’s. Have an undefinable music taste. Be open to others and yourself. Give yourself every chance you can. Forgive yourself. Try to forgive others (it will never ever be easy). Change what you want to change. Accept that which you can't. Offer grace whenever you can. Let yourself not be fully over it. It's the only way you may ever truly be. Be filled with love.
All of it-
Mwah
