On Understanding (not quite)

Rewiring my brain: thinking about the things i understand and the things i don’t

This post is something i have techinically been wanting to write for over a month i think. A lot has shifted in that which i understand adn that which i do not. Months are strange. Something about life truly beginning in march (couldn’t it be any other month?). 30 days ago my confusion was centered around love. The specific sub genre being the idea that it can begin again. That you can lose it. That it changes and things can be okay. I have a weathered wise persepctive on this now. Ive gone throufh quite a few stages. the one i have really been pulling for is hatred. true (fake) hatred. I fear i am coming to something more real now comprised of my flesh and blood. I am still in love. or something like that. Ive only ever had one love in my life so far. I wonder what the percentage is for people who only have one love. It is still hard for me to imagine anything like this love to start again. which is partially the point. At least for me. I was never someone who moved on easily. Claw marks and whatnot. I’ve been trying to desperately to change. As if i feign having an identity and knowing it, it will heal me by default. Ive always had a problem with the implementation of reflection. I cannot say i dont think-i think painfully and truly and cyclically. Its exhausting. and i never help myself through the act. I am confused about understanding myself.

I have come to the conclusion that i will build my life around anyone-and im not even sure thats entirely negative. in starting a life- a true ‘adult’ life i think i could do anything if i had someone. Not in a codependent way (though i would have to watch myself like a hawk). I just think that i could build a life for myself anywhere. true story. and what kind of villain am i if i want the comfort of something true and stable and real? No one is a villain. A lesson to learn. I have had plenty of discomfort in my life-and i think there are plenty of lessons to be learned without needing to find yourself completely alone. But of course this is how i feel. what i need. and i cannot judge what others want based on my own needs. seeking compatibility and warmth. you cannot make clay into an apple to eat-you can only form it into something based on its existing components. I just went through some of my old art. We are talking high school. One of the captions of my watercolor reads as such “ my feelings for you are like a tan-sure they can fade, but with exposure they always come back” Bars. But ive lost the plot.