On Resisting the Urge

Ive decided no decisions can be made the week leading up to my period-the week during, nor the week following it.

Last night i had something explained to me in a way it had never been before. I was calling around to the important people in my life to ask them to keep me from contacting someone very important to me. someone i’m not supposed to be talking with right now. This weekend a big wave of reaching out was swelling up inside me. finally i got ahold of my mother. I asked her to keep me from emailing - she told me not to. Then she continued “its crossing a boundary to reach out”. I’m not sure i ever took the time to truly examine the ramifications of my actions in that sense. It goes back to the idea of a selfish truth. Reaching out is what i want-that does not necessarily mean its what either of us would need. But then i still get confused because i then start to think about free will and exercising it. How we are not bound by anything. the rules are ours to make. But perhaps the boundary is the rule we made which means i then have to follow it. i have a chronically grey moral compass. I think i may often respect the rules the most only when they fall in line with what i think it right-how i wish to exercise my independent free will. Everything is a choice. to break the boundary would be selfish right? nothing good would come of it (or is that yet again the pessimist in me?). What if i just miss my best friend? I still save all of the tiktok’s or the posts that i would’ve sent to them. Just so the love has somewhere to go. (and just in case i can show them someday) I think of them when i apply for jobs and when i learn something new, when i read, when i write, when i stalk their various social medias. On resisting the urge. I’m not quite sure how i’m doing it. I think it continues to slip out of me in small ways. A post here, a post there-just another quick glimpse at a Pinterest board, oh just an inconspicuous blog post (i don’t even know if they are looking). I am so wholly afraid. So wholly unsure. What if it is good, what if it is good, what if it is good. Im not even sure i would be reaching out because i want their comfort-i would be reaching out to remember that they exist and we exist in the same world. And to just recount everything that reminds me of them. The ridiculously hard book quiz on a bookstore application that they would’ve passed with flying colors. The underground tiktok i saw where someone is showing off their thrifted books and there is the wizard of earthsea series. How i got 15 percent off at a thrift store just by being indecisive. I just ache. This is the human experience. Ive just made three normal people tiktoks. Sometimes i dont want to be a normal person. And yet here i go-continuing to resist the urge. (give me a sign universe? it worked the last time)